How do you deal with tantrums in toddlers?

and an alternate headline: Will we survive this stage of toddlerhood?

There are a few juicy stories that my family lovesss to tell over and over again about me as a child. One is the story of how I threw a tantrum in the middle of a store, let’s just call it Walmart because I actually have no idea, because I wanted a pink Power Ranger doll. As the story goes, I made a scene yelling and flailing when my mom said I couldn’t have it, so she had to drag me out of the store by my long curly blonde hair, yada yada yada. Fast forward and by some miracle, we got back home and I was sent to my room and RIGHT THERE on MY BED was… the SAME PINK POWER RANGER!

I remember the feeling of magic as a kid. Did my dad go ahead and put the pink Power Ranger on my bed before we got home? Did my mom suffer the glares of strangers in the Walmart who thought she should learn to control her bratty toddler? Did my mom feel exhausted at the end of the day for something that was supposed to be a nice surprise and then turned into this epic battle? I will go ahead and answer that one: YES.

The second story is one for the books. Our lovely family friend was our babysitter and she lived on our street. My mom would drop me and my brother off at her house in the morning before going to work. On this one particular day, I got so spun up about something that I managed to kick our front windshield of our van and the entire windshield shattered.

I have so many questions about this story. Was I already sitting in the passenger’s seat, so then I just stretched my legs up to the windshield and kicked? Or did I get a running start from the back of the oversized boxy maroon van and somehow karate kicked the windshield? Was I hurt? Did anyone check?!

All I know is that, 1. the windshield shattered in that growing spider-web pattern, 2. little quiet and innocent me was the cause of this shattering, 3. my mother was so beside herself with anger that she got out of the van, silently handed me to our babysitter, and then drove away.

No words.

Most people believe that these stories are made up—not true, fantasies, fairy tales, if you will—because I had a blonde head full of curls that I twirled around my finger, blue eyes, and I was as quiet as a mouse. “Not ASHLEY! That can’t be true!”

Honestly, these are those stories (along with getting soap in my mouth and being chased up the stairs with a wooden spoon and my mom holding my bedroom door closed to keep me inside for a time out and me practicing tantrums in the mirror that was behind my parent’s waterbed) that you’ve heard told so many times that you aren’t even sure if you remember it or if you just remember someone telling you that it happened. Wherever the truth falls in these tales, I will admit that I had quite a temper.

And now we’ve reached the part of this essay where I have to admit that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. But, God, please don’t make me. When my son recently started throwing his choo choos on the ground, spiking them, if you will, and has learned the word “MINE” in the last 7 days and perfected the word “NONONO” over the last 30ish days, my parents have started smiling at me.

If I could just wipe those little smiles off their faces…

I texted my two best friends with kids older than mine (because I seriously feel like they are my Google most days) and asked what books they read or what they’ve done that worked. Because OF COURSE I will do this mothering thing THE RIGHT WAY. And surely a book will fix all of my son’s developmentally appropriate anger and frustrations.

At least they humored me and sent some lovely words of wisdom that I’ll share here in case you are like me and wondering if you will survive this tantrum stage of toddlerhood. (Side note: this morning I tried marching to the shower and yelling to my husband, “HE’S ALL YOURS.” But I’m here to tell you that this backfired. My son followed me to the shower and slid the glass door open and closed while yelling, “MAMAAAA!” through my entire peaceful escape.)

Here are some ideas: My son wants control over the situation, but doesn’t know how to express it. Instead of telling him what NOT to do, I can give him an option of something else he could do so then he feels like he’s in control. You want to throw your plastic Thomas train on the ground that breaks off tiny pieces every time you fling it on the hardwood floors? Fine. Then how about we try throwing this ball instead.

Walk away and give him some space. Make sure he’s safe, but tell him that you’re going to leave until he picks up everything he threw on the floor.

The best non-advice advice that my friends gave: All kids throw toys and tantrums. I know that sounds so basic, but sometimes just hearing you’re not alone can stop you from Googling, “What is wrong with my child?”

As I’m just entering this world of tantrums and discipline, tell me what has worked for you in parenting. I’m all ears. And I promise I won’t throw a fit if I don’t like what you tell me to do. I’ve grown out of that :)

Give these a try…

1. Might I suggest some noise-cancelling headphones? I cannot confirm or deny if these headphones are wonderful, but they did receive an average rating of 4.5 stars from 75,097 people so that must say something. I have AirPods that I frequently put in one ear and then lose the other ear under a couch or a notebook, but the point of this is that it’s okay to set your kid in front of a screen and walk away to listen to a song or a book or a podcast. Whatever will help you find your calm.

2. Look, if we’re going to be on Instagram, then we can at least be selective about who we follow. I’m digging into all the resources from Big Little Feelings. Any other good follows recently related to toddlers and tantrums?

3. Last night was a book + an Epsom bath kind of night for me after my toddler fell asleep after a long and overstimulating day at daycare for him that always leads to headache-inducing bedtime routines. I stayed in for so long that my hot bath turned cold and the cool mint of the soak left me tingly, but I finished my book club pick! Highly recommend this book, It Was An Ugly Couch Anyway, by Elizabeth Passarella. And I’m pumped beyond pumped that she’s joining our book club next Thursday for a virtual pop-in! She has written some fantastic essays about parenting, and in this book she talks about how she absolutely doesn’t want an open concept kitchen because it’s her worst nightmare to have her kids sitting and talking to her while she cooks. Here’s a gem from the chapter called, “Middle School Is Awesome”:

   “More than once, before we got to the gratifying ending, I wanted to:

   • go to bed

   • drink gin straight from the bottle

   • stick my head in the toilet

   • sob

   Still, again, when all is said and done, I will take that kind of parenting over potty training eight ways ‘til Sunday.”

“March was a sick baby on nursing strike and a spent mom listening to concertos in the closet: two nervous systems finding their calm in the dark.”

-

Stephanie Duncan Smith

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