Daycare options near me
to childcare, or not to childcare, that is the question
I worry that my son will find my Google search history: “daycare options near me.” He’s a year old and already mastered the art of swiping. I’m ashamed and amazed that he can use his finger to swipe up and side-to-side and the iPhone allure has already drawn him in, his wide eyes mirroring the screen’s glow as he presses his nose closer to kiss the screen.
Of course, he’s brilliant, but he can’t read yet and will never actually stumble upon my search history. But it feels like betrayal after our year spent together (with an abundance of help from my working parents) with no real plan for what comes next. As my husband said, I wish he was older so we could at least explain what’s going on.
Before I ever got pregnant, and really, back way before I even met my husband and becoming a mother felt like something off the table for me, I watched friends become moms and noted how certain friends embraced motherhood wholeheartedly and entirely unexpectedly for their character. There were friends who I had pegged as simply born to be a mother, without a doubt they would thrive in that role. And then there were friends who surprised me. Some who I never pictured as mothers dove headfirst into motherhood and loved every messy second of it and wanted nothing to do with balancing a career alongside parenting. Or at least from the outside looking in, they seemed completely content in spending each day as a stay-at-home mom. Huh, I remember thinking, there’s literally no way to know what kind of mom you’ll be or what arrangement will work best for your family.
For me, I’ve felt overwhelmed with the options. My therapist will say there are a 1,000 ways to be a mom and 1,000 possibilities for how this can look for me. (Great.) I’m a freelance writer. I’ve worked for myself for five years and five years ago I might not have said it out loud, but I knew I wanted to start my own business to allow for future flexibility for my family. Now, in real time, this flexibility has felt chaotic at best.
I’ve met countless doctors who are moms to young kids. Once I learn this about them, I go completely off script from whatever ailment I’m there for and want to know every juicy detail about how they live their life. “So do you work here full-time or part-time? Are your kids in daycare? Do you have a nanny? What’s that like?” (Let’s hope they don’t try to bill my parenting questions to insurance.)
Most of them tell me that they are doctors/nurses/PAs for 2-3 days per week and the other days they are at home with their kids. Every time I hear this arrangement, I’m hooked. I imagine them putting on their scrubs and slinging that stethoscope around their neck, strutting into work in their crocs to fully be a doctor for the day. Then, the next day they’re home dishing out puffs and wiping butts and singing about baby sharks. The boundaries feel as clear and beautiful as my son’s icy blue eyes.
Yes, part of me knows that I have romanticized this life for them because you never truly “turn off” the mom mode. But the other part of me finds this wildly attractive, this ability to go somewhere else and be someone else for the day instead of working from home in the scraps and slivers of time.
Can I build a life where I work on some days and then mom on other days? Do I value and respect my work as a writer to the same degree that I do a doctor? (They deserve these clear work boundaries. Do I?) What does it mean to earn and contribute to my family? Who am I if I’m not writing and working? Will I actually be a better mom if I’m apart from my son, filling my own tank with meaningful work? Or will I be plagued with guilt for all the missed moments?
If I’m not the one nursing my son or making the bottles or rocking him to sleep, then am I less of a mom? Or am I more? Reframe: If I’m not the one picking my son up all day when he cries, wiping snot and tears, then how will that feel for him? Who will I become?
(These are just a sampling of the questions that keep me up at night.)
Google me this: If I can’t hear my son crying in the room next door while I work, then is he still crying, wherever he is? Can I still feel him crying in the way my heart flutters as he’s in Granny or a nanny or a stranger’s arms down the street?
Jenni Gritters, writer and business coach, works with self-employed creatives to help them build sustainable businesses. I worked with Jenni years ago to publish several essays during her days as an editor and I have admired her success from afar ever since. In her Substack called Mindset Mastery, she wrote about choosing a third way:
“I don’t want to be a stay-at-home mom, but I don’t want to be a full-time working mom. I want to work AND I want time with my children…
There’s always a third (and fourth, and fifth) way of doing things. We can exist in the both/ and space.
What does this look like? The third way is being a grey-area mom who spends time working AND nurturing her family. It means not ‘belonging’ on either team, and forging my own path. The third way is building a business that makes me a solid income but also allows me to be present in my daily life.”
For the last several months, Jenni has openly shared her work/life “experiment,” which is a term I’m coming to love. How can we see these life changes as ongoing? What can you try today that might not work in three months from now and will need adjusted?
I’m someone who wants answers to my questions just so that I can have more questions to answer.
But here I am, right now, today, with my stomach in knots. My son is stirring early from his nap, babbling for a diaper change and lunch and attention. This essay isn’t complete and I have a pile of client deadlines that I’m late on delivering. My family’s coming to visit later and I have cat litter to sweep, dishes to wash, and remnants of my son’s first birthday party to clean up. The wash needs switched to the dryer and I have no idea what we’ll eat for dinner.
The list could go on, but I’ll spare you every detail.
What I know is this: Simple searches for “daycare options near me” are never quite that simple.
Give these a try…
Meet Jenni, writer and certified business coach, on a mission to help people think outside the 9-to-5 traditional work box to grow a business that supports their life. Today, Jenni’s husband left his job as a nurse to work as her business partner and help take care of their children. Follow along on her personal work journey “experiment” as she’s earning more and working less.
I’m currently loving this book, Create Anyway: The Joy of Pursuing Creativity in the Margins of Motherhood by Ashlee Gadd. Ashlee’s book is a permission slip to pursue motherhood and creativity, when it often feels like both are impossible. She quotes some of my favorite writers and creative thinkers to challenge us to look at our whole lives through a creative lens, both the input and the output of photography, stories, meals, music, gardens, and crafts.
This playpen is by no means an alternative to childcare, HOWEVER, the addition of this into our home has given me several more minutes of time to prep dinner and empty the dishwasher. Plus, it’s super cute to look over and see my son quietly flipping through all of his board books. (He especially loves the books with pictures of babies and kisses them like they’re friends.)
“PERMISSION SLIPS FOR MOTHERS
Permission to leave dishes in the sink
Permission to ask for help
Permission to cry in the shower
Permission to say no
Permission to say yes
Permission to rest
Permission to play
Permission to eat cereal for dinner
Permission to outsource
Permission to feel your feelings
Permission to step away from social media
Permission to be a beginner
Permission to not love every second of motherhood
Permission to change your mind
Permission to ask for time alone
Permission to create with no end goal in mind”
-Ashlee Gadd, author of Create Anyway: The Joy of Pursuing Creativity in the Margins of Motherhood