Am I ruining my child with screen time?
YEP, we're going there... the depth of mom guilt with TV, phones, tablets, and every other screen that entertains my child
My son met his good friend, Ms. Rachel, at the ripe age of 14 months. I can explain: On our first family vacation as just the three of us, my son came down with the daycare plague (after One. Day.)
There was middle-of-the-night vomit with no washing machine (and no back up sleep sack… epic parenting fail), fevers, Tylenol, urgent care, antibiotics, diarrhea skid marks across the Airbnb rug (that I pray was a Ruggable). Ear infections, RSV, croup, bronchitis, Covid, YOU NAME IT, WE HAD IT.
What can I say, Ms. Rachel truly is a magical unicorn. She calmed my sick screaming child in the middle of the night when nothing else worked.
By daylight, we had discovered Paw Patrol on the big screen. And the rest is history.
I have a growing list of words that my son has learned to say. “Paw Paw” is on the top of the list.
Now, at 19-months-old, we’re at this brutal stage of diapering where he has decided diapers aren’t for him and he should make diaper changes an epic battle by flailing his body and screeching and straight up running away to “hide.”
And what works to calm him down for a diaper change? Videos on an iPhone. Ms. Rachel, Paw Patrol, or a recording of our local town’s Christmas tractor parade that we will likely be watching for 365 days until next year’s parade.
, author of How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes: Science-Based Strategies for Better Parenting—from Tots to Teens, shares strategies on managing screens, games, and social media. One key strategy is to engage in media with your child. Moyer shares the results of a 2016 study with kids between the ages of two and six watching ten episodes of Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood with varying scenarios involving watching with their kid, talking to their kid about the episode, not watching the episode with them, and so on.“The researchers found that kids who watched the Daniel Tiger shows developed higher levels of empathy—but only when their parents had also engaged with them about what they had seen.”
I know there’s a time and a place for turning on an episode and not watching with my kid (i.e., I need to make dinner or go to the bathroom or find my sanity away from overstimulating shows), but what an interesting strategy to keep in mind as my son gets older and understands more of what he’s watching.
Moyer goes on to share more about “mentoring” our children using media. This part really stood out to me:
“So how do we do this mentoring thing? Well, for one, we can talk to our parent friends and crowd source ideas. In The Art of Screen Time, Anya Kamenetz explained that because the prevailing wisdom among middle- and upper-class parents is that screens are bad and shouldn’t be used, parents rarely talk to other parents about them—they’re considered a somewhat taboo and shameful topic. But we could learn a lot if we talked to one another about what we’re doing with our kids and why, what apps our kids are using and what games they’re playing, and how we’re navigating the ever-changing digital landscape with our kids.”
In my mind, I was going to be the “no screens ever” mom. That’s the definition of a good mom, right? I carried so much shame and guilt when my son got sick and we sunk into a pattern of using screens to soothe and distract. My son had to use a nebulizer at home for several months, and our doctor literally said, “Turn on his favorite show to help him get through it.” Even with a doctor’s “permission slip,” I still felt guilty.
What if we didn’t hide it from our mom friends? What if we texted about what we’re watching and what’s working instead of feeling guilty for even turning to a screen in the first place?
There’s so much we don’t know yet about the impact of screen time on our children’s minds and wellbeing. But we do know that screens are here to stay, in some form. How can we use them for good and with thoughtful boundaries and engagement?
I’ve already started thinking, “My child will never have social media.” Yes, I know, I know, this is probably a lie or some grand fantasy that I could never actually pull off. Do I want to raise a hermit? Yes, no, maybe, I DON’T KNOW.
One step at a time. For now, we will watch Ms. Rachel videos together, singing together about icky-sticky-sticky-sticky bubblegum and marveling over her net work. (KID, did you know that she’s worth $10 MILLION DOLLARS. I’m shook.) Important lessons ahead in music and math.
Give these a try…
Check out
’s book here. In addition to her wisdom on strategies for managing screens with our kids, as a science journalist, she shares so many more research-based insights on how to raise kids who aren’t selfish, who are ambitious, who have healthy self-esteem, just to name a few.- is my business coach who has guided me so much over the years in my own writing business. Subscribe here to her Substack called Mindset Mastery (highly recommend!) In her most recent post on taming expectations, she walks us through a business exercise that I think has wonderful applications to assessing our expectations on establishing screen time boundaries as parents.
“The expectations you set for yourself can actually cause quite a bit of suffering.”
When I put pen to paper (or my hands on this keyboard), I realize that my expectations for absolutely NO screen time for my kid is very unreasonable. If I was talking to a friend navigating her own screen time decisions, I would tell her it’s completely reasonable to let your son watch an episode (or more!) of Paw Patrol. I would tell her that she is a GREAT mom. She’s a working mom who is tired and juggling a lot. He is learning and engaging and you will still find time away from the screens together.
“We have to show up authentically to connect and belong in community.”
There’s a really interesting connection here to what we discussed above from
’s book: What if we stopped feeling so shameful about giving our kids screen time and we actually talked to other parents in an authentic way about what’s working for you and your family? Would we connect in a more meaningful way and find new ways to redefine what it means to be a “good mom”? This is a podcast episode that I keep returning to as I navigate screen time boundaries for myself and my family.
and chatted with about her decision to “unplug” intentionally from her phone for 1,000 hours in a year. She made a tracker sheet (you can download her tracker here!) and put her phone in a box during hours she spent unplugged. For me, I’m trying to be more intentional about putting my phone down and being present with my son. It’s so hard! But I know it will go a long way as he watches me make choices every day that reflect our values that we’re still establishing as a family.
“I started unplugging for my daughter. I started to question, if I’m picking up my phone 67 times a day when she’s in my presence, what message am I sending to her? And I realized I was so consumed in documenting her. Who am I documenting her for? Is it for me or is it enough if it’s just me and her in this moment? Is it enough if we don’t have any kind of video or proof that it happened?”
My almost 4 year old was sick for the majority of January, so he watched a lot of TV during that time. I honestly don’t know what else there is to do with kids that are sick and don’t have the energy to do much else, except for lay in bed. Honestly, he also watches a lot of TV sometimes when he’s not sick, and I sometimes struggle with the guilt of allowing this. But what I try to remind myself of is that I can only show up and be present with him and engaged with him when I am feeling my best. And sometimes me feeling my best means that, on nights when I’m parenting solo because dad is at bowling league, he lays next to me and watches TV on the iPad while I read a book, color, text friends, sometimes write... Sometimes I think, “Well, this isn’t the best for him...” but then I remember that maybe it IS the best for me in the moment. And that’s OK too.
In our house, my three year old son watches Franklin, The Stinky and Dirty Show, Puffin Rock, Bob the Builder, Sesame Street, Mighty Machines, and some John Deere propaganda videos on YouTube. And I am not ashamed! I don't even pretend it is "educational". I have really nice memories from all the TV I watched growing up (except for a few Lifetime Movies....) and it should be okay to let our kids have the same.