Tips for moms with dreams

spoiler alert: you're allowed to have them

I’m still able to claim the title of “new mom.” Sort of beyond the stage where I can say, “Sorry! I can’t! I have a newborn!” now that he’s walking and talking and stumbling his way through the world.

But let me tell you something that new moms and old moms (we’ll call you, seasoned moms) ALLLL inherently know everything about: MOM GUILT.

It comes in all flavors… If I don’t spend enough time with my kid, he’ll grow to hate me. If I spend too much time with my kid, he’ll grow to resent me. If I work too much, he’ll think I don’t care. If I don’t work enough, he’ll believe I’m incapable.

(I’m ad-libbing here. You fill in the blanks for your own flavor of Mom Guilt™.)

Here’s our technical, Google-given answer for Mom Guilt:

“‘Mom guilt’ is a name given to the feelings of guilt and shame some people feel when they don’t live up to their own or others’ expectations in their role as a parent. It’s like an internal dialogue that tells you you’re failing as a caregiver. (Cleveland Clinic)

So today, I’m coming in hot with some tips for moms with dreams OUTSIDE of motherhood. (GASP.)

1. You’re allowed to take up space. It’s not perfect by any means, but I have an office space in our guest room now where I’m learning to take up literal space. Also, it signals to my son and my husband that the work that I do matters. We don’t have to carry guilt for taking up space in our home for pursuing our dreams. We are allowed—and should!—carve out a place that inspires us.

2. Call it an “experiment.” See what feels good, and then pivot.

   Jenni Gritters
   writes a newsletter called the
   Mindset Mastery
   and has personally coached me over the years. She gave me this language for setting up an “experiment.” What are you dreaming about accomplishing? How can you structure your life and ask for the support that you need for the next three months to take steps towards your goal?

3. Learn to let go of perfection. I’m coming to terms with screen time when necessary, store-bought Valentine’s, and not-so-gourmet meals for my picky toddler. What is it for you that you can let go of seeking perfection? Can we redefine what it means to “fail” and “succeed” in different areas of parenting?

4. Drop the comparisons and all the “shoulds.” I’ve spent a lot of time debating what I want my work life to look like as a mom. Honestly, I’m not sure I’ve found the sweet spot for me yet, but I’m getting closer. My son goes to daycare twice a week and he’s with my parents once a week. Trust me, I understand the internal debates: Should I work more to contribute financially to my family? Should I work less to spend more time with my son? I’m working on tuning out the noise of comparison to really dial into what feels right for me and my family.

5. Ask for help. Silly, silly me. I almost left this off the post. Asking for help is the hardest and most uncomfortable thing for a lot of people. There’s also a deep level of trust required in letting someone else care for your children. Whether it’s your partner, your family member, or a nanny/daycare provider, learning to accept help and trust that person is incredibly important to making space for our dreams. Eve Rodsky calls it “Unicorn Space,” which she defines as personal time that isn’t a luxury, but it’s necessary for our mental health, physical well-being, and sense of self.

6. GO FOR IT! Seriously, what is it for you? What are you dreaming about doing or becoming or accomplishing?

   Maggie Smith
   wrote a recent pep talk I loved about approaching our art-making with a scrappy, DIY spirit.

   “…there are no perfect conditions under which to create art, so don’t wait for them. There will always be constraints—time, budget, materials and equipment. If you’re waiting for all of the roadblocks to be cleared before you begin, you might be waiting all your life. So stop waiting. Just do your best to put something into the world that wasn't there yesterday.”

7. You’re a good mom. You hold so many roles outside of being a mother, including your role as a flourishing and growing human! What dream can you step into today that will encourage your creative spirit and make you feel alive? No matter what it is, or whether it means spending more or less time with your kids, you are a good, good mom.

My Dream Update: I’m so pumped to share with you that I’m launching a new website on Monday! My writing dreams are coming to life and I’ve felt a rush of excitement in preparing for this launch. Join me on Instagram (@ashleyfenkercreative) on Monday for the exciting BIG LAUNCH DAY!