How do I find myself again after becoming a mom?
the power of journaling in the chaos of motherhood
Her name was Nurse Nana.
When I started processing the trauma of my son’s birth with the help of a therapist, she helped me find my way back to journaling. I’m no stranger to writing. I’ve spent basically my entire life yelling into notebooks that now live in boxes in my parents’ garage and my own basement and basically every drawer around my house.
But, honestly, I forgot about the power of journaling to process emotions.
And the alternative version of this story is that the clinical sleep deprivation and anxiety and depression robbed me of the ability to put my pen on the page to uncover the lost stories.
So very, very slowly, I started showing up to my journal. I didn’t write every day. I still don’t wake up before my toddler screams to set off the baby monitor. I *definitely* don’t have a peaceful and tranquil space where I find my zen as I sip my steaming lemon water. Although, we do live in the middle of the woods, so the views are stunning right now with green popping everywhere and deer meandering through our neighboring field. My point is that my journaling practice is messy and imperfect, and yet, the power of writing still works.
Eventually, some of my private thoughts found their way into an essay that I shared publicly and
published. (You can read it here.) The essay flashes back to moments of my son’s birth, which came to life for me as I processed the scenes and my emotions over time.Trust me, most of this raw processing stays safely tucked away in my private journal. I’m a firm believer in making your journal a safe and sacred space for thoughts that never make their way onto the internet.
But I did share about Nurse Nana. I had completely forgotten about Nurse Nana, or blocked her from my memory because it was all too painful and fragile. Her character and all that she did for me in this part of my story started spilling out of me.
“Her name was Nana. She rubbed my back and comforted me like I imagine a Nana would…
As my C-section scar faded, there were so many days when I wondered, Did that really happen? Did nurse Nana really cool off my magnesium-overdosed, limp body with a rag she wrung in a bucket of icy water? When I told the story, my husband didn’t remember her doing this, but I can still feel the ice on my fiery neck. I can still feel Nana’s cool, soft hands.”
Flashes of these scenes with Nana have helped me piece together the moments that happened so quickly, without warning or preparation. She held both of my hands as I rested my head in a brace and stayed completely still for the epidural. She demanded they stop the magnesium as I fell limp into her arms. She advocated for me when I couldn’t do it for myself. She loved me like my own beloved Mommom surely would have done for me if she was still here to brush back the curls from my face.
I want to remember her forever. She stopped by a few days later just to check on me. I remember that in that moment, the trauma so fresh, I couldn’t even recall her name. She barely looked familiar, everything a blur for me as my baby fought for his life in the NICU down the hall and I relearned how to walk. Now I can see her so clearly in my mind. She confessed to me that I was one of her last patients ever, as she was transitioning into a teaching role. I hope she cherishes the time she spent by her last patient’s bedside.
Would I have remembered Nurse Nana without the powerful tool of journaling? Who knows. All I know is, I found her on the page and I won’t let her go.
Expressive writing gives us a superpower: the ability to process what we need, to see who we’re becoming, to dig up our shifting identity. It brings me back to moments in my past that shaped who I was before becoming a mom, to allow myself the space to dream about how I can bring those old sparks of passion back into my ordinary days.
Journaling gives us a space to process our memories and the reality of our world, all the pain and the beauty.
I’m dying to know this about you… do you write in a journal? Let me know in the comments!
Give these a try…
Grab this free download I made for you if you’re ready to start journaling: 6 Journal Prompts Every Mom Needs. As you can see above :), I’m super passionate about helping overloaded moms access the power of writing. I hope that this gives you a little boost to get started.
My bestie bought me this 3-pack of journals for my birthday and I’m loving them! They open totally flat (!!)… please tell me you understand how that’s a rare find.
COMING SOON! You’re the first to hear the news… I’m building a free workshop on how to journal to show up as your best self. I’ll share all the details soon, so keep an eye out!
“Components of designing a routine that serves you…
Start small
Maybe you have identified something you want to integrate into your routine like writing, more mental space or needing to move your body. Start small: Start with a post-it, try 3 minutes of meditation or stretch while you make your coffee.”
, , “Good Morning. Mom needs coffee.”
Journaling and telling my birth story to others really helped me process my traumatic birth with my first son. Then I had an even more traumatic birth with my second (which I didn’t even think was possible) and I’m a year post partum and I haven’t really journaled about it. I’m worry that I won’t remember all the details when I do sit down to tell the story. But I’m equally as worried that I’ll remember too many details.
This is beautiful Ashley. I've on and off journaled throughout life but I never have stuck to it regularly even though I know how helpful it is to find words to capture our experiences. Maybe I should try my own advice...