How to achieve "drowsy but awake"
the sleep training term you can't escape
Spoiler alert: my son does not believe in “drowsy but awake.” He’s more of an “alive or dead” personality type when it comes to sleep.
I started reading allll the sleep training books during pregnancy. (“Started” is really the key word here.) Picture swollen ankles propped up on a tower of pillows on our bed, oversized sleep shirt (always), gallons and gallons of water from my Hydro Flask, a purring cat asleep on my round belly with limbs poking out and digging into my ribs at all times, and a stack of books on my nightstand across the full spectrum of books about how to make your child sleep.
“We’re going to parent like the French,” I proclaim to my husband.
My face was still buried in the book Bringing Up Bébé. I couldn’t get enough of this book. In fact, I hardcore obsessed over this memoir written by an American journalist living in France who seeks to understand the magic of French parenting. She notices that French children don’t throw tantrums, they eat healthy food and learn to play independently, and they sleep through the night practically fresh out of the womb. Yes, yes, yes. Sign me up for that.
I pictured myself in a beret, delicately nibbling on cheese and croissants while my pinky lifts from my dainty espresso cup, my child off reading novels and knitting sweaters in the distance. (Am I elegantly smoking a cigarette off the balcony in this scene?) By three months old, my child would sleep through the night with just a kiss on the head to say goodnight. I would wake up, remove my eye mask, stretch a little in my satin nightgown, and then start the day bright eyed and bushy tailed. (Bless, sweet innocent naive pregnant Ashley.)
My son arrived five weeks early. Several of the sleep books sat untouched on my nightstand. My husband thought he had another month to cram, so his only baby sleep knowledge came from my snippets about French parenting and how these calm and confident and beautifully slim mothers have their -ish together and we will surely get our -ish together too and not waste our time feeding our child snacks and coddling him on the floor with toys.
“Isn’t that a little cold?” he asked.
“Don’t care,” I replied, convinced I had discovered the secret to success.
I remember the first time the pediatrician asked us at his four month appointment. (The same appointment where she told us he wasn’t gaining enough weight and I started feeding him every second he squeaked, pumping immediately after breastfeeding so that I could give him a shot of extra calorie formula in his bottle.) We saw a fill-in doctor, older than our usual young mom doctor. “Do you put him down drowsy but awake?”
Come again? Do I gently remind her that my son arrived five weeks early and I never made it to that chapter?
“Drowsy but awake” is one of those phrases in parenting lingo that is foreign to you before you’re a parent, and then once you hear it, it comes for you everywhere. I’m 97% positive I nodded my head very quickly and replied, “Yep, yep, of course,” to the pediatrician, as if I had ever consciously achieved this drowsy but awake state.
My son is either passed out to the level of questioning if he’s actually still breathing and I’m watching for his tiny breaths to move his chest up and down. Or he’s screaming his lungs out. *Very* rarely have we ever achieved drowsy but awake, and it was most definitely not on purpose. The concept is that he should learn to put himself to sleep and still be aware of his surroundings so he doesn't wake up disoriented.
“Wouldn’t you be afraid if you woke up and didn’t know where you were?” the pediatrician asked.
(Side note: at that point, I had woken up every day as a new mom and had absolutely no idea where I was or who’s life I was living. So yes, I am afraid when I have no idea where I am, Doc.)
I had read (some of) the books and made the plan (parent like the French). I knew the kind of mom I would be: one who followed rules and prescriptions and schedules. And yet, I didn’t have the heart to admit that I nursed my son to sleep because it worked. He is fed, rocked, swayed, and held as much as he wants, by me, my husband, grandparents, babysitters. We play on the floor with him and he throws lots of tantrums and chucks his food on the floor when he’s over it and he didn’t sleep a full night until he was almost 10 months old.
I have a feeling the French would not approve of my ways. But, so it goes. I’m learning there’s really no right or wrong way, there’s what works for you and your child. That’s the only “secret” I’m clinging to these days.
Alternatives to Googling “drowsy but awake”:
What are the rules to follow for getting my child to sleep?
How can I help my child sleep better?How can I get more sleep as a new mom?
New mom and help and will I ever sleep again?
My friend Katie is a certified Baby Led Sleep and Well Being Specialist. I had no idea she had started a business called Be Well Bebe to help other families struggling with all of the sleep complexities that babies come with. When I stumbled on her Instagram page in my sleep deprived and frustrated state, it felt like a breath of fresh air. She shares about the importance of connecting with your child and that there’s nothing wrong with supporting your child to sleep. In fact, it builds trust when they learn that they can fully rest in the care of their caregivers.
“When we respond to our babies over and over again, this builds trust. Trust breeds security and safety. Security and safety breed natural independence.” (Follow Katie here on Instagram for more helpful advice like this.)
Katie has given me the confidence to follow my instincts. Before 9 months old, I wasn’t ready to let my son cry it out (maybe we’re never ready). Any attempt sent my body into serious fight-or-flight mode. My son was an underweight premie who spent days in the NICU because he couldn’t breathe on his own. Of course I worried about wrecking his nervous system.
Today, he’s a year old and most nights we still rock him to sleep with a bottle. But then he pops wide awake and we place him in the crib to say goodnight. There’s definitely some screaming. Most nights he’s talking to himself for a while, then rubbing his head with one hand and stroking his eyelashes with the other (the cutest). He mostly sleeps through the night and the only real secret was time.
I’ve tried to imagine myself becoming more of a French mom, less jumpy at my son’s every cry, cool as a cucumber as I calmly teach my son about patience and the importance of a full night’s sleep. But the beret doesn’t quite fit my style.
Give these a try…
Meet Katie, a certified Baby Led Sleep and Well Being Specialist. With a background in teaching and child development, Katie brings a new perspective to understanding your child’s sleep that I’ve found refreshing compared to the pressure of “sleep training.”
My friend Amazon-primed these suction-cup blackout curtains to be delivered at our door the next day when she found out we still didn’t have curtains in our nursery. They are truly lifesavers, and they fold up into a pouch to take with you when you travel.
It might seem strange to recommend this book, Bringing Up Bébé, which I’ve spent most of this essay saying I can’t fully relate to. But it’s truly a fascinating read that’s research based with engaging and observant writing. French families are supported with things like paid maternity leave, subsidized public community daycare, pelvic floor therapy, and free preschool starting at age 3. Most believe that the most satisfying marriage is one where both husband and wife work. They don’t believe in smothering their children, and many stop breastfeeding soon after leaving the hospital. I could go on and on… worth a read to contrast our American ways of parenting.
“To the Mom who woke up today feeling exhausted, with burning eyes, an aching body, and was not really sure how you would get through the day… You are not alone. It’s okay to not enjoy feeling this way and still want to continue to respond to your baby at night. It’s okay to text your friend or tell your co-worker about how tired you are, not to hear any advice, but just to feel seen and heard…
Please know that you will make it through the day. Drop the guilt around how you feel, around turning on the TV, around not being the energetic Mom 24/7 you may have dreamed of being, around not having all the patience in the world every day. Although those sound lovely, we are only human. We will have rough days and nights. It’s not our job to be the ‘perfect’ Mom, but to model to our children grace and authenticity.”
-Katie, Certified Baby Led Sleep and Well Being Specialist, Be Well Bebe